Breath of a Pilgrim

Journey for His Glory
by: Brixy Ann Brickwood a.k.a. Heidi Abear
(brixy44)

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The Vessel

In 1963, there was a hymn sang hummed by a woman when the youngest baby girl was born up on the southern mountains of Mindanao. Her grandmother could not help much but to give her away from this poor family who had many children to feed, and with less food to provide. There was no more milk for the girl, but alms. One day, her mother was dying and father became so sickly, so there was no hope for this infant to live. But grandmother heard of this little orphanage in the lowlands ran by some Nuns from the city. It must have been such a painful goodbye from this family, when there was no more sound of a baby girl's cry in that little humble home uphill.

On the other side of the region, a beautiful young middle-class married woman riding a horse suddenly had a mild accident. Doctor's diagnosis was quite tragic from breaking the news that she could not bear babies anymore. They had a nine year old son, who was so much loved by his grandparents; yet, so lonely for not having a playmate those days. His father was a busy working businessman, who, travels a lot from Luzon to Mindanao to and fro. This sad news made them decide to migrate to Davao just to start their lives once more, and where business transactions became very fortunate.

This city was quite small during those days. It was not difficult for this young family to mingle around and join every organization from different sectors and clubs. This diversion led this young woman to a friend who brought her to this orphanage. Mysteriously heard a sickly infant's cry, described as if the baby was in great pain and need. Wrapped in an old stinking "banig" looks dirty and skinny. People around were hesitant to show this sickly baby, but this young woman upon hearing the cry slowly pricks her heart as if she was calling her "mommy." She looked at her eyes as if this infant can see staring at her for a second and began crying again. There was a feeling of different joy in her heart that very moment. But the clock was ticking demanding them to go back home.

The woman told her husband about what she saw, and described what she felt. Surprisingly, it was her husbands desire to have a baby girl in their old fancy home. But friends insisted to find a better one, not stinky and skinny, and above all not sickly. Numbers of baby girls were offered to them, but none had touched the woman's heart like that baby girl's cry. There were sleepless nights, because she felt there was no more time left. She did not understand why she was feeling that way. Oh yes, there was a little time left because the baby girl was very sick and almost nearing death. So that one morning, she stood up and went back to the orphanage. But the Nuns were strictly given conditions, but to her persistence, she held that baby girl in her arms and slowly calming the baby's cry. This had convinced the Nuns and administrator to give the baby for her keep. Tears slowly fell from her eyes excitedly broke the news back home that she already had a baby girl now in her longing loving arms! The baby girl already has a daddy, a mommy, and a "kuya." big bro. And they named her, Heidi.


The Challenge:

Terrible vomitting and diarreah had weakened the resistance of this baby more and more. In the local hospital, doctors had a very hard time finding the baby's little veins for dextrose. Right and left foot and arms were already disladged. There was no hope! Many doctors tried their best to save this baby. Most of them surrendered, and advised daddy and mommy to earnestly pray and just hope for the best. Because this baby's veins were slowly collapsing already.

Daddy wrapped this baby around his chest with a blanket quietly praying with a broken heart. Mommy was crying in silence. Until one last doctor approached them. They were told that it could be a 50/50 chance, but they have to pill a small scalp on this baby's head just to find the right last vein. Advised to go home for rest, and leave the baby girl to the doctor's hands. A phone call would be its result.

Clock was ticking afternoon sun was drying the laundry ... no phone calls yet. Beautiful sunset displaying in glory, but no ringing can be heard. Crickets were already singing their songs, phone was still quiet. Closing their eyes surrendering to sleep, the room was in total silence. At 3 o'clock in the morning the phone finally rang! The baby took the dextrose from her little vein, and survived.


The Confession Dialogue:

Years went by, mommy was watching little Heidi while playing on their soft master's bed, thinking how she would tell the truth.

Mommy: Do you love mommy?
Heidi : Yes (continue jumping and playing)
Mommy: Do you love daddy and kuya?
Heidi : Yes, but kuya doesn't want me to play in his room anymore. (Then she rested and hugged the pillows)
Mommy: Aaahhh...because your messing his room always. (Smiling). Did you like the toys?
Heidi : Oh yes! and the blackboard, and the abacus, and the toy clock ..and the...
Mommy: I am not your real mommy, but I love you very very much!
Heidi : Huh? but you're a mommy...our mommy...my mommy, is it not?
Mommy: You are in grade one already so you must know.
Heidi : Know what?
Mommy: That we are not you're real daddy and mommy. You are our adopted daughter. But, remember we love you so much! Mommy do not like you to discover this secret from anyone else especially when you're a older. You might not accept the truth about you.
Heidi : (Innocently replied) What's adopted? You love me, daddy and kuya loves me...then that's enough for me, mommy! Where is my real mommy and daddy.
Mommy: We were told that they got sick and eventually died. (Then told her the short story, hoping Heidi would understand).
Heidi : Wow! It's like our reading & language teacher's story...but, you won't give quizzes, would you? (a serious innocent question as she really thought)
Mommy: (Laughing with joy) hahahaha... no, I am not you're teacher ... I am your mommy!
Heidi : (Crawled toward her and embraced her so tightly) Please don't give me to the Nuns anymore so that I would not get sick and die...please...please...please!
Mommy: Of course not! And never again you shall be given away like that....
Heidi : Like that? You'll give me away too?
Mommy: One day when you get married, daddy will walk you to the isle and give you to your man... that's the only time it'll happen...
Heidi : Mommy oy! Yikes...ngeeeeeehhh (disgusted with the idea of man and marriage)

Heidi comfortably smiled with a joy of security in her heart with love and faith rested upon her. Though she knew deep inside that there is something more than what was told. But love and security quiet her. Young and curious, but she left all reserved questions deep inside her, innocently allowing time to reveal the complete truth. Few months after, they adopted another baby girl, and was raised by this family as well.


The Roadway

Fond of singing, she'd borrow her mommy's song booklet from an organization "Davao Volunteer Corp."Most of her favorite choices she'd memorized and heartily sing where from a choir group of songs: Enter Rejoice, Come Into the Glory of Your Father, Sing Alleluiah and etc.

Years had passed, learned how to play piano and guitar, still sings her favorite choices plus new learned songs. Daddy and mommy were so proud, because this little helpless infant turned out to be a healthy, smart, and talented girl as they raised her. Always star in a party, winner in an academic and non-academic contest, loved by her teachers and friends, often an actress in a stage play, dance and cheer leader, became a lover of some chosen sports, and always have a part for prayer leading. These gifts became her enemies' target. She was ridiculed and teased being an adopted daughter of a fine family, trying to implant things on her mind that she belong to no one.

If there is such thing as "True Lies" then, those were the things thrown back to my whole being. I started to observe those kids around how they were treated by their family and friends, and how their own enemies would back out from their parents' protection. There were differences though, but the thing that struck me most was the "I don't belong" statement used against me. There were instances some playmates would make a fool out of me from calling me names...bad names. One naughty and mischievous kid neighbor got my mom's attention when he told other kids that I was a rescued infant from a stinking garbage. Since then, my playmates wouldn't want to play with me anymore. I was so sad and helpless. Our laundry area was my prayer place. Young at nine years old, I remembered that lengthy prayer I did alone back there crying with so much tears while kneeling on a rough wet floor. People in the house were so worried not knowing where I was. It was dinner time when I showed up, and told them a little lie that I fell asleep in the backyard.

I stopped singing my songs. But I began asking mommy about prayers and stories of God. She told me things about good and evil, devil and God's angels, church and prayer books. Big brother contemplated to be a priest that time. The Jesuits would come to our house and convince dad and mom to allow kuya for his desire to join them. Since he was in college that time, our parents had their excuse to let him finish his course before they give their decision. The answer was actually No!

Kuya got married after college, and never had a child until they adopted one after fifteen years of hard try. I could not figure out why they had to say no when it was kuya's desire. I thought they love everything about the Lord's? So questions started taunting me day and night. I got exhausted, sick and tired of the idea and shifted into an exciting discoveries in life instead. They were so over protective and so strict that we could not do and express what we really want,and how we want to be. I felt that the guidance was just with them alone, not consulting my what, how, and why's before guidance. What is there to guide after all when it was all theirs.


The Fall

Enjoying the company of my new teenage friends around, I thought I've found a life outside home. The fact that gaining friends that stage which I lost when I was nine years old, was a great achievement. Afraid of losing friends once more, I allowed compromises which lead me not just in physical danger but spiritual as well.

I've learned to love drinking ans smoking, tried marijuana (but did not like its effect so I cut it from my list), had been to bad relationships with no parents consultation and permission, always away from home with friends, steal money from my father's cabinet just to show off with my peers, drive without lisence, go to parties and disco without my parents consent ... until we've thought of a new exciting activity -- talking to dead people through "spirit of the glass."

Hesitant at first, but learned to play with it alone even at night times. My so-called friends thought of me as a one weird threat. I did not care anymore if I'd lose them for I have a playmate of my own already. At least my fingers were two to three inches high above the glass, and it just moves alone from every question I'd ask. It answers right away. Then one night, I taught our maids to play the thing. It excites them with thrill and fear. The glass began moving without anyone of us asking yet. It says, "Hello Heidi." We stopped and threw the glass and tore the board into pieces.

It was as if chasing me wherever I go. I was crazily scared, that dad and mom suspected I was under some drug addiction! I've never been a drug user in my entire life. Their distrust and suspicion lead more into nowhere. I resented this gestures, and started almost hating them both. They were blaming each other until mom got addicted from playing mahjong while dad was fooling around with young women. They were already on the verge of breaking up. Mom found out about this young woman and committed suicide. She was saved that night though. But things in my life was in terrible chaos. Our maids left us one by one until we ended with one loyal servant.


The Horror

It was past midnight, dad and mom was in Luzon with kuya trying to fix their marriage. My younger sister was in her bedroom and the maid was in her quarter. I heard somebody was using my dad's typewriter on his desk in the living-room while I was listening to my music collection. Each time I'd realize the tapping, it'll just stop. So I just thought it came from my soft music. Though I knew it was impossible, I just tried setting my mind that way. Few hours later, I fell asleep. I began feeling my bed shaking like it was waking me up at dark dawn. When I opened my eyes, it stopped. There was a little motion, so I thought there was an earthquake. I slept again. Then another night came, felt that bed-quake shaking on a slow motion. I was already awake when I opened my eyes half-way, I saw a man standing in front holding a big unlighted white candle. He was asking me to come with him. It was a black shadow, his eyes were very striking. I did not feel any fear that very moment, I just told him that I cannot go because I was tired and sleepy. When I opened my eyes wide, he was gone.

Another weird instance, I thought I was dreaming. I just saw me left my body lying on my bed while I was on a certain direction moving toward my desk. I tried to switch on my desk lamp but my hands just passed-over it. I was so scared and started to shout for help, but no one can hear me! Then for a few moment I felt I went back to bed just the exact position how I left my body. I was never in control. Then I opened my eyes and jumped off from bed and switched my desk lamp and began shouting. Our maid woke up ran quickly to my room and accompanied me for that night.

There are lot of real moments to testify with this horrible instances. I will just have to make another blog about it, and just how the good Lord rescued me from these dangers.


The First Encounter With Jesus

Helpless, hopeless, scared, and lost. I knew no one would believe me if I told them this truth. I knelt down and pray. Yet, my senses was never there! There were some forces disturbing me. Whispering in me, languages no one could ever interpret. It stopped me from praying. Then for a sudden moment a fell asleep.

I knew I was dreaming because I was in a place of nowhere. I felt somebody was chasing me. I was running ... I never stopped running until I got so tired that I could not run no more. Brought in this place, the surrounding was so gloomy and dark. An old abandoned church, a huge door as high as the height of the big old church and half wide on its width...but the door knob is as small as a human hands can hold. I anxiously opened its door just enough for my body could enter. It was so dark inside, the reflection of the pews lead me the way to a certain isle. Suddenly a priest wearing a white santana approached me. While we were talking, the door opened. A shadow of a woman came to us like she was in great anger. Fear came to me when I saw this woman's face... she was me!

Apprehended by the scenario, I quickly ran across the pews opposite from the priest's position. She was holding a seemingly small sword that looks like a dagger glittering gold gripping it with absolute attack to kill. The priest looked so calm like he was trying to help her. Instead, she furiously stabbed him to death. I saw the blood sprinkling up on air emphasizing fury and hell. Gauging if I'd run toward the door, she would catch me and I'd be the next. So I hid behind the center pew thinking hastily what do and where to go. It was too late...she saw me! The worse, the dead priest stood up walking towards my direction.

I was shouting in great fear ... yelling for help. But no one was there to rescue me. Then suddenly, the place became lighter when I saw my best-friend back in college appeared at the back behind the old chairs. I was trying to reach her for help, but haughtily ignored my cry. Then I turned my head in a hopeless heart, and there I saw my childhood best-friend sitting in front of the old dark altar. She was waving her hands telling me to come to her. I did so quickly. After realizing that her help was not good enough to save my life, I thought of leaving her at once in a broken heart. There was nothing I could do when she was pleading insisting me to stay. I have to save my life!

Everything went back to dark. I saw the other me again, but she did not look like me anymore. She was wearing this old black gown, hair was so unruly, and her face was blurred this time. Holding this golden small sword pointing at me, composing the fear that would dwell upon. I looked around and saw many dark shadows surrounding me while humming such an errie sound